Drake Lines to Get You Through Turkey Day Small Talk

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The 2014 holiday season officially kicks off this week with Thanksgiving. We’re all looking forward to fisting as much food into our faces as is acceptable before it starts warranting silent judgement and secret side eyes — read public shaming if your host family is not so subtle. But eating only actually accounts for what…like one hour out of the whole evening? So before, and probably after, feasting, our mouths will be making conversation.

If your tongue has to dance for your Tday dinner, you can deal with it a couple different ways. You can completely check out and turn into the talking head. Limit 1-3 word responses to any and all inquires, interjecting the occasional “how?” or “why?” Or if you’re up for the gobble day gabbin, you could go with one captivating story (though this works best at a dinner with no familial relation). But, the aforementioned methods will only get you so far.

There will always be at least one, or several, people who will want to know where you’ve been, what you’ve been doing, and why you haven’t been more successful at doing it. If that’s what you’re anticipating, I can offer you something even better than pity — Drake.

He’s the most qualified to deal with prying dinner guests since he’s not only a master of words, but he’s experienced in talking himself up while shutting everyone down. So here are Drake’s lyrical answers to every predictable question and situation you may run into this Thanksgiving. Bonus points if you rap them.

 

How was your flight?

Started from the bottom now we here. Started from the bottom now the whole team fuckin here. – Started from the Bottom

What you been up to?

1. “I’m livin’ like I’m out here on my last adventure” – Tuscan Leather

2. “I still been plotting on the low. Scheming on the low. The furthest thing from perfect
Like everyone I know.” – Furthest Thing

Do you cook? / Did you cook anything?

“[I] don’t have to prove shit to no one except [my]self. And if [they] end up needin’ some extra help, then I could help.” – Tuscan Leather

When someone starts bragging to you about one of your cousins/siblings…

“I’m tired of hearin’ ’bout who you checkin’ for now. Just give it time, we’ll see who’s still around a decade from now.” – Tuscan Leather

When your brother/uncle brings another new girlfriend to dinner and expects you to keep her company…

“No new niggas, nigga we don’t feel that. Fuck a fake friend where ya real friends at?” – Started from the Bottom

How was the (insert repeat dish that never gets any better)?

“I don’t know why they been lying but yo shit is not that inspiring.” – The Language

Anyone who wants to borrow money…

“Promise to break everybody off before I break down. Everyone just wait now. So much on my plate now.” – Furthest Thing

You leaving already?

“Hate to leave the city but I’ve got to do the overtime. Gone all the time, even the important times. I should let you know ahead I’m coming back on my worst behavior.” – Worst Behavior

When they ask you the same shit at Christmas…

“I’m fresh out of advil, Jesus grab the wheel.” – Pound Cake

 

 

Faux Soul Searching in Faux Fur

yellow-fur-naked-editorial-big-bird-spirit-animalI’ve been obsessively thinking about winter lately. It’s partly to keep current with fashion and partly to brace myself for the inevitable — that arctic blast of cold that makes you squint your eyes and clench your butt muscles out of fear as soon as you step outside. I don’t know for a fact that this winter will be just as bad as last year’s “Polar Vortex”, but the previous years have been harsh too.

The kind of harsh that forces you back indoors and begs you to meditate on life (i.e hate on girls on Instagram from Florida and LA who consider a fur vest outerwear). With that much at-home leisure time and faux soul searching to do, you need a spirit guide. Or more specifically, a spirit animal.

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The Alexander Wang x H&M Press Shopping Event Hunger Games

alexander-wang-hm-press-shopping-event-katniss-hunger-gamesThere’s one threat I said I’d never knowingly subject myself to and that’s a designer fast fashion collaboration launch. I’ll fight for my rights. I’ll fight for survival in the zombie apocalypse. But, I cannot and will not fight for a designer x retailer sweatshirt.

And then I got invited to the Alexander Wang x H&M Press Shopping event on Wednesday, the 5th, a day before the collection actually dropped. It was an opportunity to shop the collaboration early, with other industry professionals but without the mayhem. I was there.

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What to Wear to Work Tomorrow Courtesy the Kardashians

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Work is the weekend’s waiting room. You literally live there until Saturday. Home is just a storage unit for clean underwear – and clothes, because there are only a handful of jobs that let you work with your “junk” out.

I’ve never followed “what to wear to work tomorrow” shopping guides because, 1. it says tomorrow but actually reads 8 – 10 days from tomorrow because that’s how long shipping takes; and 2. because I dress more by mood and level of fatigue than anything else. So with the help of America’s most famous working women, the Kardashians, here is the only W2W2WT guide you’ll ever need to ride that Monday through Friday emotional roller coaster in style.

Before Instagram There Was Imagination

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We edit memories more than we do pictures. That makes imagination the first photo editor. We add a special glow to highlight our favorite reels or soften the painful ones. And we opt to view some things completely in black and white. So all the articles blaming Instagram for eroding our self-worth warrant a little revisionist history since we’ve been doing the same thing since we could color.

As a kid, you imagined your mom, but you drew a head with arms and legs coming out of its chin, and you were probably disappointed with that anatomically incorrect human. Years later, imagination was the culprit when you thought you’d blossom in high school, but spent 4 years feeling like a mutant. And I don’t need a head count of how many landed their ideal job only to discover it was a battle for our soul on middle earth and the only defense against absolute boredom was to staple our eyelids open to a cubicle wall.

I’d just admire my Christian Lacroix note cards, which I bought instead of sending a “Hello” email because that would’ve been way too simple. (And if I could get Christian Lacroix to personally hand deliver it wrapped in tulle and tied to the back of a kitten, I damn sure would too.)

The road to hell on earth is paved with good imagination.

But what’s the alternative — no imagination? I’d rather ride shotgun in Kanye’s man cleavage transcribing his rants all day. We got our gluten under control without even knowing what it is, we should definitely be able to put our creative thinking on a diet and rein in our mental lunacy within reason.

Conveniently, all the same things that apply to a food diet apply to a mental diet. Like less daydreaming and more night dreaming because the more rested we are the more energized and productive we can be about accomplishing goals instead of just fantasizing about them. Or going outside and being more active, which keeps our mind from idly imagining how happier we should be. I imagine that’s suppose to like the people in one of those famous beach vollyball herpes commercials…and the beach is in the Hamptons.

By that logic, the road to heaven on earth is paved with good imagination and even better action.

Let’s Pick a Halloween Costume…But Not Try That Hard

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Everyday is Halloween in New York, and not because pink hair and nose piercings are abound in this Gotham. It’s because establishing your career is a suspense thriller, dating is a psychological thriller, and rent is the big bad boogieman under your bed — the only thing you’ll have left if you can’t pay it. So when October 31st finally creeps around, it’s less about haunting houses and more about flaunting it downtown.

I can vaguely remember going out in NYC a few Halloweens, and they might not even be Halloweens at all. Those might have been New Years Eves, which says a lot about my NYEs, unfortunately, if I can mix them up with the scariest night of the year. But, assuming my previous Halloweens spent stalking the city were forgotten because they were forgettable — and not because I wanted to un-see whatever I saw or because of a calcium deficiency from my advancing age — I want to put a little more effort into having a memorable, monster night out this year, starting with the costume.

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Don’t Fall for Boots Just Yet

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Yea, yea, yea, Fall. Boots. Amazing. You can’t troll the internet right now without tripping over at least a dozen fall boot shopping guides – short ones, tall ones. Leather ones, pleather ones. But I’m not ready for boots. And this has nothing to do with being in denial about the cold weather coming on, like that one year I wore ripped jeans and a tweed blazer all through winter because I didn’t believe in coats or death and illness. This opt out is about options.

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A-musing: On Nude Photos

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One of the most awing things to me about the celebrity nude photo leak hack — right after the bratty male entitlement to any female body even in the virtual realm (maybe especially in the virtual realm) and the complete inaction towards what I think we can officially consider a crime spree — is just how many celebrities do have nude photos on their computers.

And not just celebrities, but tweens and teens who make puberty look like a changing chamber — the same one that turned Steve Urkel into Stefan Urquelle — because they develop overnight and send the photographic evidence to their phonebook by morning. And to the defense of both the aforementioned groups, there are plenty of everyday, adult women (and men) who do the same. Which has me wondering if they’re the majority rather than the minority.
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Man-Shirt Crush Monday: The Collar Shirt Is Hard Now, Bruh

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What happened to the collar shirt? It got off of work, went to the bar, and undid a few buttons, bruh. If you’ve been following the fashion month spring 2015 street style then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

The white collar shirt — the official dress code of ‘easy work,’ traditionally worn by office professionals — has been trolling New York, London and Milan, earning its street cred. All the gangs of fashion week, IT Brits, Russian Dolls and Americanas included, have inducted the shirt into their outfits, pairing it with tough ripped jeans, sexy short shorts, and rogue pencil skirts.

The menswear piece was no do-gooder — think American Psycho or Wolf of Wall Street — but with more and more women taking it out of the office this season it’s definitely gained the element of surprise.

Why not reassign the white collar dress shirt back into your own rotation? There are plenty of revamped designs if the traditional style gives you cubicle flashbacks, even though I prefer a good ole blue collar shirt (because I’m the work version of Liam Neeson).

Shop my picks for both colors next.
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Transitional Fashion: The “Halfway Crook”

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Transitional fashion is one of the biggest cons when it comes to seasonal wardrobes. Borrowing pieces from the two most temperate seasons of the year (spring and fall) and pairing them pieces from the two most extreme (summer and winter) – i.e if the weather cools you layer on a light jacket over your tank; when it warms you lose the cardigan and leave on your tee – is the mathematics of adaptive dressing. Much like the same way I imagine we used to necessitate the growth of extra body hair when we were cavewomen and men. And I doubt they called that new layer of back hair their “transitional coats.” So why dress up the simple task of adding or subtracting a layer?

Because fashion is a science built around particle separation: coats into pea, down and blanket; boots into chelsea, combat and riding; blue into baby, periwinkle and cobalt. So it makes sense that the post-Labor Day, pre-Autumnal Equinox have its own dress code. But I think transitional fashion needs to transition out of an idea to recombine articles we already wear into selective hybrid clothing – many of which only really even makes sense when the weather is in flux, like the sleeveless turtleneck sweater. Why else could it exist?

So if transitional fashion is inevitable – and the endless how-to articles flooding the internets every time mother nature has an identity crisis says it is – then it’s due for a costume change. Here are 5 styles that were really meant to arm (and leg) us against the fluxing temperatures, and would otherwise be kind of useless most of the time. (Bonus points if you wear them all together.)
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