The 2014 holiday season officially kicks off this week with Thanksgiving. We’re all looking forward to fisting as much food into our faces as is acceptable before it starts warranting silent judgement and secret side eyes — read public shaming if your host family is not so subtle. But eating only actually accounts for what…like one hour out of the whole evening? So before, and probably after, feasting, our mouths will be making conversation.
If your tongue has to dance for your Tday dinner, you can deal with it a couple different ways. You can completely check out and turn into the talking head. Limit 1-3 word responses to any and all inquires, interjecting the occasional “how?” or “why?” Or if you’re up for the gobble day gabbin, you could go with one captivating story (though this works best at a dinner with no familial relation). But, the aforementioned methods will only get you so far.
There will always be at least one, or several, people who will want to know where you’ve been, what you’ve been doing, and why you haven’t been more successful at doing it. If that’s what you’re anticipating, I can offer you something even better than pity — Drake.
He’s the most qualified to deal with prying dinner guests since he’s not only a master of words, but he’s experienced in talking himself up while shutting everyone down. So here are Drake’s lyrical answers to every predictable question and situation you may run into this Thanksgiving. Bonus points if you rap them.
How was your flight?
Started from the bottom now we here. Started from the bottom now the whole team fuckin here. – Started from the Bottom
What you been up to?
1. “I’m livin’ like I’m out here on my last adventure” – Tuscan Leather
2. “I still been plotting on the low. Scheming on the low. The furthest thing from perfect
Like everyone I know.” – Furthest Thing
Do you cook? / Did you cook anything?
“[I] don’t have to prove shit to no one except [my]self. And if [they] end up needin’ some extra help, then I could help.” – Tuscan Leather
When someone starts bragging to you about one of your cousins/siblings…
“I’m tired of hearin’ ’bout who you checkin’ for now. Just give it time, we’ll see who’s still around a decade from now.” – Tuscan Leather
When your brother/uncle brings another new girlfriend to dinner and expects you to keep her company…
“No new niggas, nigga we don’t feel that. Fuck a fake friend where ya real friends at?” – Started from the Bottom
How was the (insert repeat dish that never gets any better)?
“I don’t know why they been lying but yo shit is not that inspiring.” – The Language
Anyone who wants to borrow money…
“Promise to break everybody off before I break down. Everyone just wait now. So much on my plate now.” – Furthest Thing
You leaving already?
“Hate to leave the city but I’ve got to do the overtime. Gone all the time, even the important times. I should let you know ahead I’m coming back on my worst behavior.” – Worst Behavior
When they ask you the same shit at Christmas…
“I’m fresh out of advil, Jesus grab the wheel.” – Pound Cake